It’s an odd liminal space I find myself in - at once having kept my vow to never grow up while faced with the reality of an aging body, the reality that I’ve reached my halfway mark, assuming I want to live that long. And I’m not sure that I do. That’s assuming, too, that my body even will. It feels bigger than just a mid life crisis, if that’s what this is. Jesus christ, I hate writing that, as one would expect a Peter Pan would.
It’s the question, really, of just what I envision the rest of my life as looking like. Okay, I just googled mid life crisis, that could definitely be what this is. It has also been my landing after a sequence of events, losses so tragic that it’s not overstating when I say that I truly survived, then easing into these last couple, grieving healthily the same shit I drank myself through six years ago this coming June. Now, I don’t even drink. California sober lifestyle is bliss.
I have at once taken and given myself the space now to create myself for myself in the life I’ve always wanted, always dreamed, always imagined was possible. I will not and cannot say it is easy. This is late stage capitalism America and I am a writer and artist who has chosen not to participate to the degree expected of me given my intellect, ability, and education. Part of this life my medical transition, chasing that gender euphoria on tea. Part of it the picture crystallizing in my mind as I am living it, coming slowly into focus as I shed the noise and the fear and all of the things they ever said to me and never believed of me.
My beautiful life is the present moment. I breathe in and know this is a wonderful moment.
love this and want to read more!
courage, pan! pretty sure i've just gotten through my third mid-life crisis ;) as long as i'm still having them, it means i'm not done, right?