I’ve just never been that guy, historically, in real life, outside of the structure of a college or university schedule. That is - able to multitask with ease! harnessing all of this technology to my very shrewd advantage! whilst propelling my very many and varied creative sojourns to their finish! Some deadline I’d wanted to hit likely occurring to me after it’s passing, distracted in the moment I meant to note in my calendar by one thing or another, many times ten things or anothers. All of which I’d be likely beat myself up for, these days trying to be more gentle and kind to myself, though, cutting some slack for once. Maybe if I went Big Pharma I’d be different.
Part of it just the stress of being alive at the moment - as witness to war, climate collapse, book banning, laws against trans people, that’s me! et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Part of it narrative - familial disinheritance on one side, maybe the same or just distance on the other, the sudden and traumatic death of a partner, the six month bender that followed, an ill fated love affair begun to soon after that, hilariously all before the pandemic. My now welcome heartbreak would come after. All of these tales old as time for folx like me, queer, trans, living on the edge. Wake up from a doze on the couch to find your partner dead on the floor of your bedroom and see how well adjusted you come out on the other side.
So for me to hit submit on an mfa application last Thursday, a literary prize the next day feels flipping miraculous, because I really did have to battle back from all of that shit. All of it, brother. I’m a nonbinary trans guy out here exercising the f*ck outta these positive causes. Positive cause / positive effect, that effect maybe not about getting THEE thing, just SOME positive, even though I’m not afraid to tell you I want those positive things. I’m also not afraid to tell you that there are moments for me when it really doesn’t feel easy, where I feel disconnected. From myself. From others. From my flow.
An aunt of mine would say frequently to me, praise what I’ve accomplished on my own, but the way she said it always made me feel so angry and lonely. Just because I really could have used some help from people like her. I’ve healed enough though to be able to look out again now and see that adventure, just healed enough to be there with a friend, a friend who takes this photo of my dog and I on the edge of the Bay, all of us three souls looking across and looking back and movin’ on movin’ on movin’ on.
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Wow! That's a lot Pan, glad you're movin' and shakin' after such a rough time... xo